Eyrbyggja saga, part 5

21

Arnkell: "Ok there's two ways this thing can go: either we're going to court, in which case you'll better be prepared to pay a lot for the recent killings, or you leave the country."

Álfgeir: "I'm leaving."

Þórarinn: "Me too."

Vermundur: "Let us never be parted, bro!"

Eyrbyggja saga, part 4.

16a.

There's now a full-blown competition going on over Gunnlaugur between Geirríður and Katla.

Geirríður: "How about you stay the night instead of going home. There's bad things that happen to people out there wink wink."

Gunnlaugur: "Er, naaah I'll just go home."

Geirríður: "Don't be a moron."

Gunnlaugur: "...errrrr yaaah I'm def going home!"

Katla: "Well stay at my place then yes?"

Gunnlaugur: "I'M GOING HOME"

Eyrbyggja saga, part 3.

11.

Þorsteinn becomes awesomely rich and has babies: Bork the thick and a Grímur who's to become a really mighty Þór-follower, so his name is upgraded to Þórgrímur.

Then Þorsteinn goes fishing. Big mistake.

Random shepherd: "...and then the mountain opened and there was a lot of noise and partying, and someone was welcoming Þorsteinn and his crew."

Þóra (Þorsteinn's wife): "Shit."

Well, nothing to it, since Þorsteinn's dead, Þóra re-marries a Hallvarður and makes baby Már.

Eyrbyggja saga, part 2.

6.

Björn decides to go to Iceland because of his disappointment over the now-Christian family. There's a Hallsteinn with him who's actually the son of Þórólfur, but he's like "dad plz" and moves away to settle land on his own.

Meanwhile Auður's in trouble over in Scotland. She manages an unbelievable amount of ship-building, avoiding raging Scots, sailing out with all her goods intact and marrying her daughters off here and there. Then she arrives to Iceland and starts naming places based on where she had a great day or lost her comb, no lie check Laxdæla.

Eyrbyggja saga, part 1.

1.

Let's just get on with the unavoidable. There's Ketill Flatnose. His kids are Björn, Helgi, Auður Deep-minded, Þórunn Horns (?why?) and Jórunn Smartasaman. Oh hey they sound kind of familiar don't they? Except that in Laxdæla Auður is called Unnur, idk sagas can never make up their mind on which one's her real name.

Haraldur Fairhair is currently a king. This means that around this time the shores of Iceland were practically teeming with furniture and occasional dead Norwegian, chucked overboard to float to land and show the place where their owners should build their houses.

Anyway Haraldur sends Ketill Flatnose to deal with some trouble over the sea, I assume Britain. While he's there sorting out said trouble (and marrying Auður to Ólafur White) , Haraldur has a paranoid fit and confiscates Ketill's lands and property. Wut.

Kormáks saga done.

Once more a saga has been successfully retold! Now's the time to figure out what saga to retell next. Will it be:

* Jómsvíkinga saga: a saga of a fierce brotherly brotherhood of bro-vikings!

* Bárðar saga Snæfellsáss: trolls! Trolls everywhere!

or

* Eyrbyggja saga: farmers are fighting! Er, and more fighting! Those rowdy farmers!

Here's your chance if one of these sounds like the saga you've always wanted to hear, drop a note and let me know, else I'll do as always and flip a coin. I may have a three-sided coin just so you know.

Kormáks saga, part 6. FINAL PART.

26.

OMG Steingerður gets kidnapped by vikings for real this time! Wat do?

Þorvaldur: "Kormákur haaaalp!"

Kormákur: "Gotcha."

Killing happens, but only a little. Then Kormákur jumps into the sea with Steingerður and begins to swim to the shore. On the way he makes a song about fish.

Þorvaldur: "Ok ok you've sort of earned her. Steingerður you can go with him if you want to."

Kormákur: "COOL!"

Steingerður: "...no thanks."

Kormáks saga, part 5.

21.

Much legal muscle-flexing, much singing from Kormákur. Nothing really happens in this chapter, he just wanted to sing I guess. In the end it's decided that he and Þorvarður shall duel.

Kormáks saga, part 4.

16 a.

Bersi: "Ólafur, can I foster one of your kids?"

Ólafur Peacock: "Sure thing old friend! Here you go!"

Bersi has gained a Halldór. Oh btw that pretty Steinvör is now his girlfriend and his wife Þórdís does not like this one bit. She doesn't like the fostering idea either.

There's a þing coming along and Bersi is letting people stay at his house on their way to the þing place. Except then he begins to sing ominous songs about wanting to kill people and speaks a lot with Halldór about how Vali, his wife's brother, has his cattle on their lands. Which Þórdís has actually allowed but you know how these sagas work.

Kormáks saga, part 3.

11.

Kormákur: "BAAAW UNCLE STEINAR. I was supposed to win that fight but Skeggi's sword was totally no good so I lost. Sword's fault not mine. Anyway I'm leaving the land and it'll be the biggest flounce-out you ever seen, here take the fine moneys to Bersi."

Steinar: "And you can't take it yourself because...?"

Kormákur's arm gets infected because he doesn't take care of it.

Bersi: "I could heal that for you."

Kormákur: "NEVERRRR U ARE MY ENEMY FOREBAR"

Dalla: "SHUT UP let me have a look at it."

Kormákur: "Yes mom."

Kormákur: "AND YOU CAN HAVE YOUR CRAP SWORD BACK IT WAS CRAP"

Kormákur: *throws sword at Skeggi's feet*

Skeggi: "Dude it was your own fa-"

Kormákur: "LA LA LA DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M LISTENING"

Kormáks saga, part 2.

5a

There's a Þórveig who knows magic and she has two sons, Oddur and Guðmundur who are noisy. Steingerður's dad's like boys plz chop a Kormákur. Oddur's like YEAH SURE THANG.

Steingerður's dad and Narfi put a sword and a scythe on both sides of the door. When Kormákur comes in the scythe falls and takes a chunk out of the sword's blade.

Kormákur: "The weapon that mows in the meadow
It met with the gay painted buckler la lalalalalalaaaa~"

(That's taken word by word from the English translation, I swear I'm not making this up.)

Kormáks saga, part 1.

1

There's a guy called Kormákur but he's not actually the hero of this story. He's Haraldur Fairhair's friend and so is his son Ögmundur.

Ögmundur beats up an Ásmundur and then goes and marries a Helga who Ásmundur's had his eyes on before.

Ásmundur: "Oh no you did not. Duel it is."

Ögmundur: *chop*

Ögmundur: "Hope you didn't need those legs."

Egils saga finished, now what?

I've now gone through both of the sagas that were previously requested, Egils saga and Grettis saga. If you have a personal favourite don't hesitate to leave me a note. :)

Meanwhile I'll just go and write another short-ish saga called Kormáks saga, which is considered one of the oldest sagas by the date it was written down. By this I mean that although Kormáks saga happens during the time of Haraldur Dramaqueenie Prettyhair it was written down earlier than f.ex. Egill's saga.

Without further ado - let's go!

Egils saga, part 19. FINAL PART.

86

Þorsteinn: "Well then let's go get the sheep back."

Íri: "Hey lil mama lemme whisper in yo ear there's a group of men waiting to ambush you."

Þorsteinn: "SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT ÖLVALDUR WANTS ME TO POP BY HIS HOME. CHANGE OF PLANS MEN, WE TAKE A LONGER ROUTE HOME."

Steinar: "Fuck."

Egils saga, part 18.

81

There's an Einar who fanboys Egill and wants to hear about his adventures. Egill likes this Einar.

Hákon doesn't like this Einar and won't hear his poetry, but then Einar makes an emo song about going away because IT'S ALL HÁKON'S FAULT and Hákon finally agrees to listen to his poem. He actually loves it so much that he gives Einar an amazing shield to thank him.

Einar goes to visit Egill but he's not home. Einar waits for him for three days and then finally leaves, leaving the awesomecakes shield for him as a gift.

Egill: "He only gave it to me because he wants me to make a poem out of the shield that little fucker, get me my horse, being given a beautiful gift logically means I'm going after him to kill him."

Others: "Um, think again maybe. Anyway he left a long time ago and you won't catch him."

Egill: "Well FINE."

Egill: *recites poetry about the shield*

Egill: *goes to a wedding*

Shield: *ACCIDENTALLY falls into a tub of whey and gets ruined*

Egils saga, part 17.

76

Álfur: "I just saw thirty men ride into that forest to ambush you. Might be better to not walk right into it."

Egill: "Pish posh it's a road, there's travelers on roads, that's kind of what roads are for."

Egill's men: "Um, see how those footprints are going now, that sure looks like an ambush to us."

Egill: "...on a second thought let me tie a huge rock to my chest."

Ambush happens, but it happens both from behind and above - the attackers begin to throw large stones on Egill and his men. Egill can't be having with his fancy stone plating going unused in battle so he climbs up and chops everyone he sees and then throws more stones onto the ambush at the back.

The attackers try again. Ok but the same defaults are still in place (IOW Egill is present) which means they get the chop as well. Both Úlfurs argl.

Earl Arnviður: "Please have some good explanation to how only five out of thirty men returned."

Egils saga, part 16.

70

Arinbjörn: "This year we could harry the Frisians wot say you."

Egill: "About time we harry the Frisians!"

Arinbjörn + Egill: *harry the Frisians*

Egill: "Ok that was some good harrying. What now?"

Arinbjörn: "I'm going to harass king Eiríkur's sons."

Egill: "You know me so we-"

Arinbjörn: "I MEANT WITHOUT YOU"

Egill: ;^;

Egils saga, part 15.

66

Egill: "So Atli, Berg-Önundur stole that farm from me that you live on, give back plz."

Atli: "WTF dude my home? After you killed my two brothers and all?"

Egill: "Your cattle too. Plz thank."

Atli decides to be totally unreasonable so they agree to settle the matter in court.

Atli: "Here is the evidence and the witnesses and -"

Egill: "You know what, all that evidence-schemidence etc. how about we just fight it out instead of having a fair trial."

Atli: "This is no doubt a wonderful idea, let's."

Egill: *bites Atli in the throat*

Atli: "Argl."

Egils saga, part 14.

63

Arinbjörn's nephew Þorsteinn goes to claim an inheritance of his.

Egill: "That reminds me, I have a farm that king Eiríkur and Berg-Önundur stole from me..."

King Aðalsteinn: "...bad idea Egill, baaaaaaad. How about you work for me instead and -"

Egill: "Sry can't hear you over the sound of me going to get that farm back. But hey when I come back I might agree to work for you maybe."

Egils saga, part 13.

59

Þórður Egill's cousin invites him over to a party.

Skalla-Grímur: "Egill can you give me some silver."

Egill: "Dude you have two chests full of money, why do you need mine?"

Skalla-Grímur: "I have plans."

Then while Egill is at the party Skalla-Grímur goes and hides his silver somewhere. Btw it's never been found so if you want to become rich come on over and find Skalla-Grímur's silver treasure!

Then he comes home and dies at the table. The house people are all ty berry much in the morning when they find him and realize that the rigor mortis is already so well set in that they can't get the corpse away from the table, and eventually Egill makes a hole in the wall so they can get him out.

Saga says Skalla-Grímur was buried with no special treasure, just some horses and smithery. Well, one could say he did the treasure burying so they didn't have to bother.

Egils saga, part 12.

56a

Egill: "Bad news is that Þórólfur's dead. Er... uhh... um... me, I could now... um... protect you and..."

Egill: "...?"

Ásgerður: "Yeaaaaah lemme think about it for a year or two."

Arinbjörn: "What's with the gloomy face?"

Egill: *composes complicated Old Norse poetry about some fancy lady who's treating him badly although he's a nice guy*

Arinbjörn: "Oh Ásgerður, Egill wants to marry you."

Ásgerður: "Hm, I don't know..."

Arinbjörn: "It's settled then! The wedding's ASAP."

Egils saga, part 11.

50

Aðalsteinn is the king of England. Those of you that have watched History Channel's Vikings know him by his English name Athelstan. Btw Norse people of the age of Athelstan/Aðalsteinn knew damn well where Britain was, that tv-series will seriously give me the plague and other harms by everything that's historically incorrect in it.

Anyway this Aðalsteinn is now the king of England. The Irish and the Scots don't like this.

Aðalsteinn: "I seriously need an army ASAP. Hay anyone anywhere of any nation or ethnicity who wants to be paid well come get chopped by my enemies pls."

Þórólfur: "Sounds good!"

Egill: "Too right!"

Egils saga, part 10.

46

Þórólfur and Egill go about the coast killing, burning and stealing stuff a lot. One time Egill and his men go missing. This is because:

Egill: "Oh hay there's a totally empty house over there! Let's loot it!"

This part goes well but the next one doesn't - the owner returns and he has lots of friends with him. Everyone in Egill's team is taken a prisoner. Egill in particular is tied up well and tight and then to a post as well.

Ok, he's just lifted the whole post off the floor and now Egill's is munching through the ropes around his wrists and NOW HE'S FREE, EGILL ADVANCES AND NOW HIS MEN ARE FREE AS WELL AND -

(Apologies, ice hockey overload.)

Egill & friends find a random Dane under the floor. He turns out to know all sorts of useful stuff such as where to get out, where the treasure is and where the house owner keeps their stock of weapons. Egill shows he has his priorities straight and instead of treasure he steals a barrel of mead.

Egill: "Oh hay we totally forgot to taunt the house owner. Let's do it!"

Others: "Yeah right no bad idea we're off to the ship now."

Egill: "Oh hay everyone in the house, I have just set it on fire and none of you can get out lol."

Then he watches people roast for a while, carries on back to the ship and there finds out that the mead casket is actually full of silver and not alcohol. We don't know how he feels about this.

Egils saga, part 9.

41

Meanwhile that Brynjólfur dies. He was the dad of that Björn who kidnapped that Þóra.

Þórólfur goes to see him, drops off Ásgerður and then goes to king Eiríkur.

Þórólfur: "Oh my dad loved the axe, told me to tell you thank you for it and he sent you this ship here. This is all true and not a clever lie that shows just how diplomatic I can be when I know I'm otherwise risking the bad temper of a king."

Þórólfur: "And hello friend Þórir I am here. This brat's my little brother, can you put him up somewhere plz. He's a bit helpless without me, see."

Egill: "I'm, like, right here."

Arinbjörn: "Hay I'm Þórir's son. You should be friends with me."

Egils saga, part 8.

36

Björn and Þórólfur are sailing about Norway and going to east to ransack people's homes so all is as should be. OK ONE PROBLEM: Þórir (brother of kidnapped Þóra) is the foster father of Haraldur Hairy's favourite son Eiríkur Bloodaxe. Eiríkur sees Þórólfur's ship and begins to fancy it immediately.

Björn: "Er... Þórólfur... that's Haraldur's son right there and knowing his genes it might be a good idea to just give that ship to him."

Þórólfur: "This would be a good plan."

Eiríkur vows to become eternal friend of Þórólfur's. Well. Well well well. Anyway they go meet his dad Haraldur, who's rather testy at Þórólfur because OMG THOSE SONS OF KVELD-ÚLFUR NEVER RESPECT ME I HAVE DONE THEM NOTHING BUT GOOD THINGS AND THEY'RE UNREASONABLE OMG. Then Eiríkur Bloodaxe is like DAAAA-AAA-AAAD COME OOOONNNN HE'S NOT EVEN HIS SON BUT HIS GRANDSON and Haraldur's like ok, but I don't evereverever want to see this Þórólfur again and btw son ILU but you're an idiot.

Egils saga, part 7.

31

Skalla-Grímur and Bera pop out a lot of babies but they all die. Then they get one that doesn't die and that one's called Þórólfur, just like his brother. This may be ominous.

Anyway Þórólfur turns out to be a real pretty boy just like Þórólfur. There's two daughters Sæunn and Þórunn too.

Then they get another son but this one's ugly. His name's Egill. Yes it's chapter 31 and finally the hero of the saga has been born.

Anyway this Egill is the size of a seven year old at age three.

Egill: "Dad I want to go to Yngvar's party!"

Skalla-Grímur: "You get into fights when you're sober, no way you're gonna go somewhere where people are drinking."

So Egill steals a horse, goes to the party and composes complicated Old Norse poetry like, you know, any three year old Icelandic child tends to do.

Egils saga, part 6.

26

A Guttormur dies. He's the foster father of Haraldur Dramaking so naturally Haraldur wants to be nice. He orders Hallvarður and Sigtryggur to go get Guttormur's sons and bring them to serve him.

(The daughters can just stay where they are.)

Egils saga, part 5.

21

Haraldur: "Yeah Sigtryggur and Hallvarður, that Þórólfur sure robbed you two dry that one time didn't he."

Sigtryggur + Hallvarður: "We want to go chop Þórólfur because he looted our home."

Haraldur: "As if you could do shit fuk. You might sail north but you'll come back sailing AND rowing ha ha."

Egils saga, part 4.

16

Þórólfur: "Hi Haraldur, here's the Finn tax again!"

Haraldur: "I know you're bringing me nothing but the best because that's what I deserve. Except of course you've already taken like, thirty times more of goods from this because you just don't respect me at all."

Þórólfur: "I - huh - what?"

Haraldur: "If you stay here with me and be with me at all times whenever I call then I'll forgive you!"

Þórólfur: "Look, now you're just being impossible."

Haraldur: "I CAN'T BELIEVE THISSSS I GAVE YOU SO MANY CHANCES"

Haraldur: "BUT YOU'RE JUST MEAN TO ME ALL THE TIME"

Haraldur: "IT'S OVER I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU"

Haraldur: "AND I'M GIVING YOUR JOB TO HÁREKUR AND HRÆREKUR BECAUSE THEY'RE DIFFERENT FROM YOUUUUUUU"

Egils saga, part 3.

11

Þórólfur hosts a huge party for Haraldur Probably-Combed, but there's too many people there and king throws a tantrum. Þórólfur gives him an awesome ship to calm him down. IDK I think Kveld-Úlfur had a point in saying this Haraldur's not worth the trouble.

Egils saga, part 2.

6

Þórólfur: "Hay I heard Haraldur Tangle-king sent some people to talk with you. What did you say?"

Kveld-Úlfur: "Told him to piss off, would kindly suggest you and your brother Grímur tell him the same."

Þórólfur: "...dad. No."

Egils saga, part 1.

1

There's a guy called Úlfur. He's really angry in the evenings and goes to bed early so he's called Kveld-Úlfur, and it's hinted that he's a bit of an ugly.

Well, it's said that of his two sons Þórólfur is a real eyecandy but Grímur is ugly as fuk just like his dad, but while Þórólfur goes out raiding places, Grímur stays home and is a master blacksmith.

Hervarar saga, part 5. FINAL PART.

13a

Hervör: "That looks a bit bad doesn't it Ormarr. The Huns are here and they outnumber us many times. Methinks the wisest choice is to charge right at them."

Ormarr: "Wisely spoken indeed, I shall go challenge them."

Hervör: "Forth! Down fear of darkness! Arise! Arise, Riders of Théoden! Spears shall be shaken, shields shall be splintered! A sword day... a red day... and the sun rises! Ride now... Ride now... Ride! Ride for ruin and the world's ending! Death!"

Ok she didn't actually say any of that, it was Theoden's speech at Pellenor Fields. But I wanted to have a small Tolkien moment in honor of the only valiant hero of this saga (Hervör the second) and by valiant I mean someone who's not a total douchemoron. Because next:

Hervör: *chops Huns*

Huns: *chop Hervör*

Hervarar saga, part 4.

10a

Heiðrekr makes an oath by a fair piggy (I'm not kidding, it really is a blonde pig). According to it anyone who can duel him in riddles can walk free no matter how badly they've treated the king. There's a Gestumblindi that Heiðrekr hates, who's a Pagan and serves Oðinn.

Heiðrekr: "Hi Gestumblindi, riddle me or die. Or lose to me in riddles and die. I don't mind either way."

Gestumblindi: "You do know I'm useless with riddles right?"

Heiðrekr: "Right!" ^_^

A one-eyed stranger: "I know some good ones. Gimme your clothes and I'll take him on instead."

Hervarar saga, part 3.

6c

Heiðrekr meets some tied up men that have betrayed their bosses and friends. To show just how much he pays attention to well-meaning advice he promptly saves their butts.

Heiðrekr then friends king Haraldr who's an ok king but weak.

Haraldr: "Sucks that I have to pay a bobload of money to these other earls."

Heiðrekr: "Lemme handle this."

Heiðrekr: *chopchopchopchop - you know the deal*

Heiðrekr: "Problem solved! I can has your daughter Helga yes?"

Then there's a baby and his name will be... hmmm... Angantýr! Yeah that's original.

Hervarar saga, part 2.

5a

Meanwhile that lady that Angantýr married pops out a baby girl. Baby girl is called Hervör and turns out to be a bit of a handful.

Hervör: *fights people*

Bjarmar (her grandpa): "Stop that."

Hervör: "I DO WHAT I WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT"

Hervör: *runs into forest and starts killing people for their money*

Bjarmar: "I said stop that!"

Hervör: "Suuuure. Let me take my anger out on your thralls instead."

Thralls: "A bitch like you was prolly not made by Angantýr cause we all know what a kind and gentle berserker he was."

Hervarar saga, part 1.

1

There's a king Sigrlami who finds two dwarfs, Dvalinn and Dulinn.

Sigrlami: "Sad to be you two because I'm going to chop you if you won't make me a totally badass sword."

Dvalinn: "Sad to be you because we just made you that badass sword but it comes with some nasty curse stuffs. Whenever someone draws it it will kill someone, it will cause three horrible things to happen and oh it'll also end your kin."

Sigrlami: "Why you little -"

Dvalinn: "Sry we went back into the stone nyeh nyeh."

Sword is now called Tyrfingr and it is badass indeed. It cuts through anything, if it's drawn someone will def argl and it's a bit poisonous too - one scratch from it and you're good as gone.

What next?

While I was writing Grettis saga I received two requests for the next ones: firstly Hervarar saga ok Heiðreks konúngs and after that Egíls saga.

The first one is actually a legendary saga (= it very likely never really happened) and happens - possibly - in the area that is now called Sweden. There'll be some pretty badass ladies in that one.

Egils saga is one of the brick-size classics of Icelandic medieval literature and there we'll be seeing some familiar faces again. I'll try to point them out as they arrive. Oh, we're also seeing some battlesome poetry!

Grettis saga, part 19. FINAL PART.

91

Þorsteinn: "I don't like that king Haraldur."

Spes: "Me neither. Besides we're kind of old and I feel kind of guilty for what we did. let's go to Rome."

Everybody else: "Wat."

Þorsteinn: "I'm already packing, dear."

Grettis saga, part 18

86

Þorsteinn: "Istanbul sure is wonderful this time of the year."

Þorbjörn fish hook and Þorsteinn both join Varangians. Problem: neither knows what the other one looks like. Except no problem:

Varangians: "Sweet sword you got there dude! Why's it got a notch on the side?"

Þorbjörn fish hook: "That's just when I chopped Grettir in the head with it."

Þorsteinn: "Can I see it too please. Thanks."

Þorsteinn: *chop*

Þorsteinn: *gets thrown in jail**what were you expecting*

Random dude in jail: "Oh you're fucked too."

Þorsteinn: "No - not me - I'd rather... just... SING...!"

Grettis saga, part 17

81

Þuríður: "Grettir should be ready for killing about now don't you think?"

Þorbjörn fish hook: "I'm never going to Drangey again. Nevereverevereverever!"

Þuríður: "Suit yourself. But go at least and ask Halldór what he thinks of it."

Halldór: "I know a guy who has a boat for you."

Grettis saga, part 16

76

Hæringur: "I'm really good at climbing cliffs just like those at Drangey!"

Þorbjörn fish hook: "HMMMMM."

Hæringur: *climbs Drangey*

Hæringur: *charges at the men*

Illugi: "Duh who are you?"

Hæringur: *does a beautiful U-turn and leaps off the cliffs*

Hæringur: "argl"

Grettis saga, part 15

71

Farmers: "Hey you random dude there! We want our sheep back!"

Grettir: "Sucks to be you."

HELLO SWEDEN!

Hi!

I couldn't avoid noticing that since yesterday I've received 70+ hits from Sweden. By the looks of it Laxdæla is in great demand. Are you guys having an exam coming along soon or what? If you are, then please don't use this blog to study Laxdæla, I don't want to take responsibility for some poor professor having to wade through a pile of exams all insisting that Kjartan and Bolli were so totes gay for each other.

...naaaah I'm kidding, definitely remember to write a lot about that. And of them two swimming together with a group of other young, naked, hunky Icelandic men. Whipping their hair back and forth. Oh yeah baby.

(Just in case you actually are having spring exams - LYCKA TILL ALLIHOPA!)

Grettis saga, part 14.

66.

Grettir: "Oooooh a jötunn in this cave! FIGHT ME"

Grettir: *disembowels a jötunn*

Grettir: "Well, I'll just take the two skeletons here and leave shall I."

Grettis saga, part 13.

61

Björn: "What did I say about not robbing my people? Btw that included killing them too."

So Grettir has to leave his hiding place once again and wanders here and there until he finally ends up at Geitland and finds an amazing little nest for himself in the middle of a glacier, a valley with hot springs and fat lambs and...

...a half troll. Whoops. Buuuuut it's ok, he's totally ok w Grettir and lets him fool around with his daughters. OR SO GRETTIR SAYS.

Anyway Grettir thinks the place is awful so he leaves.

Grettis saga, part 12.

56

Þórir: "Hey Þórir go do something about that Grettir."

Þórir: "Hnnn."

Þórir: "Hey Grettir can I live with you?"

Grettir: "Sure, cool, this is a wise choice and not like I've been betrayed before."

Then Grettir makes Þórir do all the work and is still himself a lazy fuck.

Þórir: "This pisses me off."

Þórir: *breaks their boat*

Þórir: "Hey Grettir wat do, our boat's smashed and the nets are still out there and I can't swim."

Grettir swims out and gets all the nets back, and when he comes back Þórir tries to chop him. Grettir dives back and manages to sneak upon Þórir and then Þórir gets the chop.

Grettis saga, part 11.

51

Skafti: "How the hell have you managed to keep those three rascals out of each others' hair?"

Þorgils: "Well, somehow. Þorgeir's totally a handful, but Þormóður's a Christian and Grettir won't go out after dark for some reason."

(Reason is that after he killed that huge zombie that cursed him he's been seeing things after dark.)

(Btw Þorgeir and Þormóður are the main heroes of Fóstbræðra saga.)

Þóroddur: "So what about him killing Þorbjörn."

Skafti: "Problem is that Þorbjörn killed Atli first so he was sort of free game."

Snorri goði: "How about this. You won't have to pay for Atli if you agree to un-outlaw Grettir?"

Þóroddur: "Yeah ok."

Þórir: "WTF he burned my sons NO."

Grettis saga, part 10.

46

Þórir: "WTF Grettir burned my sons!??"

Skafti: "Uh, we have no witnesses of that and there's at least two versions of the story and -"

Þórir: "Do I look like I care."

Þórir: "OUTLAW THE FUCKER"

Grettis saga, part 9.

41

Grettir's at his brother Þorsteinn's place.

Þorsteinn: "Sweet Bob dude you got some thick arms!"

Grettir: "Lol yours are like a girl's."

Þorsteinn: "Are you saying that you want your death to be avenged one day by a girl huh."

Grettis saga, part 8.

36

Þorbjörn: "...and then I told Grettir to stop fighting them because that guy would have killed the lot single-handedly otherwise."

Þorbjörn Tardy (I'm not kidding his name's Tardy): "Lol no he totally legged it as fast as he could when you gave him the chance."

Grettis saga, part 7.

31

Barði: "Grettir's going to be my friend now."

Þórarinn: "FFFFFF NO."

Barði: "But foster-daaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaad..."

Þórarinn: "I said."

Grettir: "You little bitch you promised I could come with you!"

Barði: "Þórarinn said no..."

Grettir: "Hm, fair enough. Ok I understand. BUT FIGHT ME MOTHERF-"

Barði: "No."

Grettis saga, part 6.

26

The guys who killed that Þorgils guy are Þorgeir and Þormóður.

Þorsteinn: "Let's kill those assholes Þorvaldur."

Þorvaldur: "Aye."

Good luck keeping tabs on which Þor-something does what by the way.

Grettis saga, part 5.

21

Grettir goes to Þorkell's. There's a dude called Björn who's a bit of an asshole and you know what happens when you put two assholes in the same building don't you.

Suddenly! A ferocious bear!

Björn: "I'll kill it but first I'll sleep here right in front of its lair."

Bear: "RAAAAAR"

Björn: "Shit."

Þorkell: "OK you moron thought you could do it alone? Next time we'll go there in a large group and Grettir comes too.

Björn: "Oh well well well seems like Grettir left his fur coat lying here, now whaaaaat would happen if it somehow flew into the bear's nest?"

Björn: "Whoops." :D

Grettir: "Really."

Þorkell: "Let's just go home guys."

Grettir: "I'll be right after. Needs to tie my shoelace, like."

Grettir: "F U BEAR GIMME MY COAT"

Bear: "RAAAAAR"

Grettir: *chop*

Grettis saga, part 4.

16

Ásmundur: "Grettir's so not my favourite son."

Þorkell: "Ok who of your family's useless at home so they could come to the Þing with me?"

Ásmundur: "Lemme get the little fucker btw good luck."

Skeggi: "I lost my lunch bag."

Grettir: "Hm, me too."

Skeggi: "Oh I found it now!"

Grettir: "WTF I want a lunch bag too! GIMME."

Skeggi: "It's mine piss off."

Grettir: *chop*

Þorkell: "Where did that Skeggi go?"

Grettir: "Beats me lol."

Then he lifts a rock and that made probably a lot of sense somehow.

Grettis saga, part 3.

11.

Önundur has babies. Wife dies, new wife in, moar babies, Önundur dies of old age, new wife re-marries. In order of age Önundur's sons were Þorgeir, Ófeigur Grettir and Þorgrímur.

Flosi: "I don't like those brothers living on our lands. Þorfinnur go kill Þorgeir."

Þorfinnur: *chop*

Þorgeir's drinking bottle that he just happened to have on his back that day: *argl*

Þorfinnur: *running away already and so does not realize that only the bottle died*

Þorgeir: *achievement unlocked; gain nickname 'bottleback'*

Grettis saga, part 2.

6.

Þrándur's dad dies.

Öndóttur: "There's a guy called Grímur who wants the inheritance and he'd like to see Þrándur as dead as possible, as soon as possible."

Þrándur: "Suddenly going to Iceland sounds like a splendid idea! Anyway, Ófeigur and Þormóð already live there."

Önundur: "I'd rather go home sry bye."

Grettis saga, part 1.

1.

Önundur is a dude. Vikings. The Irish get attacked (it's always the Irish).

Done with Laxdæla, what next?

Well, I've received a request to write Grettis saga next so that's what! Outlaws! More zombies! Vikings, naturally, a Bob-load of them! Some pretty fierce survival - I mean sure, Gísli was awesome for hiding as long as he did but he'll totally meet his match here. I'll even throw in some more Varangians because everyone loves Varangians.

(If, at any time, you think of a saga you'd like me to re-write in short, feel free to drop me a note.)

Laxdæla saga, part 16. FINAL PART.

76.

Þorsteinn: "Come on Þorkell don't be daft you can't sail in that storm!"

Þorkell: "Oh yeah? Oh yeah?"

Þorkell: *drowns*

Þorsteinn: "Told you so."

Guðrún goes to church and there's a bunch of wet ghosts hanging about it. She becomes totally religious. I mean she was Christian before but now she kind of gets serious about it, and we all know what it means when Guðrún gets serious. Be happy she doesn't live in our time or hiding behind the couch would not be enough to get her to stop ringing the bell and leave.

Herdís: "Hi grandma. I saw this dream where a woman was asking me to help her out, you're bothering her a lot and she thinks you're creepy."

Guðrún: "It's ok, I'll just dig up her corpse and dump it see how she likes that."

Laxdæla saga, part 15.

71.

Snorri: "What are you guys planning here?"

Bolli + Þorleikur: "NOTHING nothing absolutely nothing go away it's nothing, honest."

Snorri: "You two idiots think I'm an idiot too?"

Þorleikur: "...well we just sort of wanted to kill the rest of the folks who were with Helgi when he killed our dad."

Snorri: "Wow you two ARE idiots."

Snorri: "Halldór, the two idiots want you dead."

Halldór: "O fuk."

Snorri: "So pay them some fines and I'll make them stay at home and sit there quietly."

Laxdæla saga, part 14.

66.

Ósvífur, Guðrún's dad dies. Then a Gestur dies and wants to be buried at the same churchyard as him (btw church courtesy of Guðrún)(that girl could build a mean church I tell you!) because he's seen a light there and considering how rare light is in Iceland for about 6 months every year this is no surprise.

Laxdæla saga, part 13.

61.

Þorgils: "Hi Þorsteinn. Hi Lambi. Remember how you were with the group that killed Bolli? Either help us kill Helgi or we'll kill you."

Þorsteinn: "Shit."

Lambi: "Fuck."

Laxdæla saga, part 12.

56.

Halldór: "Ok that Guðrún's totally plotting something now."

Guðrún: "Snorri change houses with me I don't want to live next door to these guys anymore."

Snorri: "Sure thing."

Guðrún gives birth and names her son Bolli. Bolli Bollason. IDK why it made me lol a little.

Laxdæla saga, part 11.

51.

Ólafur: "Ok then, I suggest all of the men who attacked Kjartan should be outlawed and banished except for Bolli because we're family."

Everyone else: "Ólafur's awesome!"

Þorgerður: "We fostered him and HE KILLED OUR SON YOU -"

Anyway, Ólafur dies. Of old age, I think. IDK really could have been a zombie attack as well I guess.

Laxdæla saga, part 10.

46.

There's a winter party.

Random woman: "So who's getting the best seat tonight?"

Guðrún: " -!"

Kjartan: "Hrefna."

Guðrún: "WTF I always had the best seat! OH WELL I'M STILL NOT JEALOUS."

Kjartan: "Hey guys has anyone seen my sword?"

Guðrún: "Lol what you looking at me for?"

A spy called Án finds out that a Þórólfur who's Guðrún's brother hid the sword in a swamp. The next party is at Bolli and Guðrún's place and who would have thunk, that awesome headdress that Hrefna now owns somehow mysteriously goes missing.

Ólafur: "Ok Kjartan, we all know what's been going on but it's best to just ignore it. We don't want a bloody war on our hands, especially not within the family, so just be quiet and -"

Kjartan: "BOLLI YOU BITCH YOU'RE STEALING OUR STUFF."

Bolli: "What?!"

Guðrún: "What?!"

Laxdæla saga, part 9.

41.

Kjartan: "I'd like to go abroad please."

King: "Only if abroad means going to Iceland and forcing people to turn Christian by sword."

Kjartan: "...or I could as well stay here I suppose."

King: "Well be like that, see if I care. I'll send Þangbrandur instead."

Þangbrandur then sails to Iceland and baptizes people left and right, no wait I meant to say kills. Except that there's a limit to how much an Icelander will let you kill him so in the end Þangbrandur has to make a speedy escape back to Norway. The king throws a hissy fit and no one can go to Iceland, except for some more missionaries that he sends there. Kjartan finds himself being held hostage.

Bolli: "So... I guess it's goodbye? Well, I'm sure you'll be thoroughly entertained by the king's sister anyways."

Kjartan: "That'snotagoodtopicrightnowshutup..."

Laxdæla saga, part 8.

36.

So the death of Þórður was actually Kotkell's fault because he worked magic against him? Anyway Kotkell has to find a new place to live and FAST, so he gives Þorleikur some horses and gets to live at his place. Þorleikur actually knows that this Kotkell has half the coast angry at him but I suppose them horses were sweet.

Laxdæla saga, part 7.

30.

Geirmundur: "I changed my mind I'm dumping this bitch and my one year old daughter bye."

Þuríður: "Except I just stole your sword and left the daughter in its stead. And now I'm on a boat."

Geirmundur: "AFTER HER, MEN"

Men: "...somehow there's a hole in our ship."

Þuríður: "I did it, with my little drill."

Geirmundur's a bit of a sore loser and he curses the sword so that it'll kill the most important family member of Þuríður's. Logically Þuríður then gives the sword to Bolli because obvy it's a good idea to keep a sword with this sort of a curse instead of, say, destroying it.

(Btw somehow no one cares what becomes of the baby girl.)

Laxdæla saga, part 6.

25.

Hrútur: "I shall free a slave of mine and give him my brother Höskuldur's lands this is fair and ok."

Höskuldur: "Wat."

Freeman: "I shall sit at my home quietl- argl."

Þorleikur: "I'm Höskuldur's son and lol no you didn't."

Hrútur: "This pisses me off."

Þorleikur: "Oh cute I had a baby! I'll name him Bolli. Remember this name, NOW we're finally done with the family trees and the REAL saga can begin!"

Laxdæla saga, part 5.

20.

Ólafur is pretty and shiny and gets a nickname "Peacock".

Þorbjörn: "Melkorka marry me!"

Melkorka: "No. Ólafur you should go to Ireland and meet my dad Mýrkjartan, that would annoy Höskuldur a lot."

Ólafur: "FFFFF I have no money for that!"

Melkorka: "Þorbjörn come back I'll marry you."