Egils saga, part 4.

16

Þórólfur: "Hi Haraldur, here's the Finn tax again!"

Haraldur: "I know you're bringing me nothing but the best because that's what I deserve. Except of course you've already taken like, thirty times more of goods from this because you just don't respect me at all."

Þórólfur: "I - huh - what?"

Haraldur: "If you stay here with me and be with me at all times whenever I call then I'll forgive you!"

Þórólfur: "Look, now you're just being impossible."

Haraldur: "I CAN'T BELIEVE THISSSS I GAVE YOU SO MANY CHANCES"

Haraldur: "BUT YOU'RE JUST MEAN TO ME ALL THE TIME"

Haraldur: "IT'S OVER I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU"

Haraldur: "AND I'M GIVING YOUR JOB TO HÁREKUR AND HRÆREKUR BECAUSE THEY'RE DIFFERENT FROM YOUUUUUUU"

Egils saga, part 3.

11

Þórólfur hosts a huge party for Haraldur Probably-Combed, but there's too many people there and king throws a tantrum. Þórólfur gives him an awesome ship to calm him down. IDK I think Kveld-Úlfur had a point in saying this Haraldur's not worth the trouble.

Egils saga, part 2.

6

Þórólfur: "Hay I heard Haraldur Tangle-king sent some people to talk with you. What did you say?"

Kveld-Úlfur: "Told him to piss off, would kindly suggest you and your brother Grímur tell him the same."

Þórólfur: "...dad. No."

Egils saga, part 1.

1

There's a guy called Úlfur. He's really angry in the evenings and goes to bed early so he's called Kveld-Úlfur, and it's hinted that he's a bit of an ugly.

Well, it's said that of his two sons Þórólfur is a real eyecandy but Grímur is ugly as fuk just like his dad, but while Þórólfur goes out raiding places, Grímur stays home and is a master blacksmith.

Hervarar saga, part 5. FINAL PART.

13a

Hervör: "That looks a bit bad doesn't it Ormarr. The Huns are here and they outnumber us many times. Methinks the wisest choice is to charge right at them."

Ormarr: "Wisely spoken indeed, I shall go challenge them."

Hervör: "Forth! Down fear of darkness! Arise! Arise, Riders of Théoden! Spears shall be shaken, shields shall be splintered! A sword day... a red day... and the sun rises! Ride now... Ride now... Ride! Ride for ruin and the world's ending! Death!"

Ok she didn't actually say any of that, it was Theoden's speech at Pellenor Fields. But I wanted to have a small Tolkien moment in honor of the only valiant hero of this saga (Hervör the second) and by valiant I mean someone who's not a total douchemoron. Because next:

Hervör: *chops Huns*

Huns: *chop Hervör*

Hervarar saga, part 4.

10a

Heiðrekr makes an oath by a fair piggy (I'm not kidding, it really is a blonde pig). According to it anyone who can duel him in riddles can walk free no matter how badly they've treated the king. There's a Gestumblindi that Heiðrekr hates, who's a Pagan and serves Oðinn.

Heiðrekr: "Hi Gestumblindi, riddle me or die. Or lose to me in riddles and die. I don't mind either way."

Gestumblindi: "You do know I'm useless with riddles right?"

Heiðrekr: "Right!" ^_^

A one-eyed stranger: "I know some good ones. Gimme your clothes and I'll take him on instead."

Hervarar saga, part 3.

6c

Heiðrekr meets some tied up men that have betrayed their bosses and friends. To show just how much he pays attention to well-meaning advice he promptly saves their butts.

Heiðrekr then friends king Haraldr who's an ok king but weak.

Haraldr: "Sucks that I have to pay a bobload of money to these other earls."

Heiðrekr: "Lemme handle this."

Heiðrekr: *chopchopchopchop - you know the deal*

Heiðrekr: "Problem solved! I can has your daughter Helga yes?"

Then there's a baby and his name will be... hmmm... Angantýr! Yeah that's original.

Hervarar saga, part 2.

5a

Meanwhile that lady that Angantýr married pops out a baby girl. Baby girl is called Hervör and turns out to be a bit of a handful.

Hervör: *fights people*

Bjarmar (her grandpa): "Stop that."

Hervör: "I DO WHAT I WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT"

Hervör: *runs into forest and starts killing people for their money*

Bjarmar: "I said stop that!"

Hervör: "Suuuure. Let me take my anger out on your thralls instead."

Thralls: "A bitch like you was prolly not made by Angantýr cause we all know what a kind and gentle berserker he was."

Hervarar saga, part 1.

1

There's a king Sigrlami who finds two dwarfs, Dvalinn and Dulinn.

Sigrlami: "Sad to be you two because I'm going to chop you if you won't make me a totally badass sword."

Dvalinn: "Sad to be you because we just made you that badass sword but it comes with some nasty curse stuffs. Whenever someone draws it it will kill someone, it will cause three horrible things to happen and oh it'll also end your kin."

Sigrlami: "Why you little -"

Dvalinn: "Sry we went back into the stone nyeh nyeh."

Sword is now called Tyrfingr and it is badass indeed. It cuts through anything, if it's drawn someone will def argl and it's a bit poisonous too - one scratch from it and you're good as gone.

What next?

While I was writing Grettis saga I received two requests for the next ones: firstly Hervarar saga ok Heiðreks konúngs and after that Egíls saga.

The first one is actually a legendary saga (= it very likely never really happened) and happens - possibly - in the area that is now called Sweden. There'll be some pretty badass ladies in that one.

Egils saga is one of the brick-size classics of Icelandic medieval literature and there we'll be seeing some familiar faces again. I'll try to point them out as they arrive. Oh, we're also seeing some battlesome poetry!

Grettis saga, part 19. FINAL PART.

91

Þorsteinn: "I don't like that king Haraldur."

Spes: "Me neither. Besides we're kind of old and I feel kind of guilty for what we did. let's go to Rome."

Everybody else: "Wat."

Þorsteinn: "I'm already packing, dear."

Grettis saga, part 18

86

Þorsteinn: "Istanbul sure is wonderful this time of the year."

Þorbjörn fish hook and Þorsteinn both join Varangians. Problem: neither knows what the other one looks like. Except no problem:

Varangians: "Sweet sword you got there dude! Why's it got a notch on the side?"

Þorbjörn fish hook: "That's just when I chopped Grettir in the head with it."

Þorsteinn: "Can I see it too please. Thanks."

Þorsteinn: *chop*

Þorsteinn: *gets thrown in jail**what were you expecting*

Random dude in jail: "Oh you're fucked too."

Þorsteinn: "No - not me - I'd rather... just... SING...!"

Grettis saga, part 17

81

Þuríður: "Grettir should be ready for killing about now don't you think?"

Þorbjörn fish hook: "I'm never going to Drangey again. Nevereverevereverever!"

Þuríður: "Suit yourself. But go at least and ask Halldór what he thinks of it."

Halldór: "I know a guy who has a boat for you."

Grettis saga, part 16

76

Hæringur: "I'm really good at climbing cliffs just like those at Drangey!"

Þorbjörn fish hook: "HMMMMM."

Hæringur: *climbs Drangey*

Hæringur: *charges at the men*

Illugi: "Duh who are you?"

Hæringur: *does a beautiful U-turn and leaps off the cliffs*

Hæringur: "argl"

Grettis saga, part 15

71

Farmers: "Hey you random dude there! We want our sheep back!"

Grettir: "Sucks to be you."

HELLO SWEDEN!

Hi!

I couldn't avoid noticing that since yesterday I've received 70+ hits from Sweden. By the looks of it Laxdæla is in great demand. Are you guys having an exam coming along soon or what? If you are, then please don't use this blog to study Laxdæla, I don't want to take responsibility for some poor professor having to wade through a pile of exams all insisting that Kjartan and Bolli were so totes gay for each other.

...naaaah I'm kidding, definitely remember to write a lot about that. And of them two swimming together with a group of other young, naked, hunky Icelandic men. Whipping their hair back and forth. Oh yeah baby.

(Just in case you actually are having spring exams - LYCKA TILL ALLIHOPA!)

Grettis saga, part 14.

66.

Grettir: "Oooooh a jötunn in this cave! FIGHT ME"

Grettir: *disembowels a jötunn*

Grettir: "Well, I'll just take the two skeletons here and leave shall I."

Grettis saga, part 13.

61

Björn: "What did I say about not robbing my people? Btw that included killing them too."

So Grettir has to leave his hiding place once again and wanders here and there until he finally ends up at Geitland and finds an amazing little nest for himself in the middle of a glacier, a valley with hot springs and fat lambs and...

...a half troll. Whoops. Buuuuut it's ok, he's totally ok w Grettir and lets him fool around with his daughters. OR SO GRETTIR SAYS.

Anyway Grettir thinks the place is awful so he leaves.

Grettis saga, part 12.

56

Þórir: "Hey Þórir go do something about that Grettir."

Þórir: "Hnnn."

Þórir: "Hey Grettir can I live with you?"

Grettir: "Sure, cool, this is a wise choice and not like I've been betrayed before."

Then Grettir makes Þórir do all the work and is still himself a lazy fuck.

Þórir: "This pisses me off."

Þórir: *breaks their boat*

Þórir: "Hey Grettir wat do, our boat's smashed and the nets are still out there and I can't swim."

Grettir swims out and gets all the nets back, and when he comes back Þórir tries to chop him. Grettir dives back and manages to sneak upon Þórir and then Þórir gets the chop.

Grettis saga, part 11.

51

Skafti: "How the hell have you managed to keep those three rascals out of each others' hair?"

Þorgils: "Well, somehow. Þorgeir's totally a handful, but Þormóður's a Christian and Grettir won't go out after dark for some reason."

(Reason is that after he killed that huge zombie that cursed him he's been seeing things after dark.)

(Btw Þorgeir and Þormóður are the main heroes of Fóstbræðra saga.)

Þóroddur: "So what about him killing Þorbjörn."

Skafti: "Problem is that Þorbjörn killed Atli first so he was sort of free game."

Snorri goði: "How about this. You won't have to pay for Atli if you agree to un-outlaw Grettir?"

Þóroddur: "Yeah ok."

Þórir: "WTF he burned my sons NO."