Brennu-Njáls saga, part 8.

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Hákon: "FFFFFFF lost Hrappur. Oh well I'll go fuck up them Njálssons instead and it's perfectly fair to vent your anger on innocents when you're an Earl."

Helgi: "WELL COME AND TRY GET US, UGLY!"

(Just a side note: never take that Helgi on your boat, ever, even if it's the last thing you do because it very likely will be the last thing you do.)

Earl beats up the Njálssons and cries that they killed two of his men while resisting execution and has them imprisoned for the night.

Grímur: "Away would I get if I could."

Helgi: "Let us try some trick then."

And then! There's an ax in the same room with two bound and imprisoned vikings! Now you all know JUST HOW OLD the storyline of cutting your ropes with an ax someone's left lying around is. And then they come upon silk kirtle once again, btw his name's Kári. Kári does some viking style diplomatic speech to earl and very nearly gets himself killed, which was one way to go about things those days. But then everyone including his own son tells Earl Hákon he's full of it for trying to kill random bystanders just because he's had a bad day so he bribes his way out of Njálssons killing him right back. Actually, his son does because by now Helgi and Grímur pretty much don't want to see his face again.

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Well, in this chapter they do go see the Earl Hákon but that's because he wants to give them gifts before they return to Iceland (and take that Kári with them) and nothing turns a man's head faster than a bag of gold.
In Iceland they marry Kári off to their sister. That's the proper thing to do, you know.

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Oh, but that Hrappur, he's also in Iceland now, and Þráinn is too and the bros Njáll just happen to have an ax to grind now.

Njáll: "Hear my wise counsel: you two will make them really mad and have them hurl insults at you, and you do this a couple of times with lots of witnesses around. And then you make them even madder still until the only way out is a bloody war. And this was my wise and rightful counsel, off with you now boys, go chop some asshole!"

The bad thing, though, is that Þráinn has lots of men, among them Hrappur and Grani Gunnartheawesomesson. So Skarphéðinn, Kári, Höskuldur, Grímur and Helgi go pay him a visit.

Hallgerður: "Beat it."

Skarphéðinn: "Shut your trap slut."

Hallgerður: "OH YOU DID NOT JUST."

Helgi: "So yeah, Þráinn, you ought to pay us some now."

Þráinn: "Um NO."

Hrappur: "AX TO THE HEAD -"

Skarphéðinn: "Geez, man, you gotta chill!"

Hallgerður: "YOU'RE ALL SHITFACES AND NJÁL STILL LOOKS LIKE A HOMO!!!"

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Þráinn goes to meet some friends and on the way they help some random women across a river, and because women don't hear anything if you shout it in their ear they go on boasting about how Njáll looks like a homo. So the women do the unthinkable and go gossip this to Bergþóra! Who would have thought! And she in turn tells this to her sons so the next morning Njáll wakes up to the sweet sound of Skarphéðinn's ax striking the wall and Kári strutting around in a silk jerkin, sparkly as ever.

Njáll: "Something tells me you lads are up to no good."

So his whole household of men declare they're off to sheep hunting, wink wink nudge nudge, remember, like that time we accidentally caught Sigmund the White instead, har har now that was awkward.

Lambi: "Hey Þráinn, if that cloud o sparkle over there isn't Kári then I'm a roll of toiletpaper."

Þráinn: "When WILL those idiots learn to leave him home if they plan an ambush?"

Skarphéðinn: "Shit you guys wait, I have to tie my shoestring here -"

Grímur: "Laters!"

Skarphéðinn runs after them soon as he can but then something strange happens in the narrative and suddenly he's halfway running halfway sliding down an icy slope right into Þráinn and his men, who don't expect anything so idiotic so Skarphéðinn chops Þráinn's head in half on his way and turns and legs it like, well, you would too. Even if you DID have an ax named "Ogress of War".

Helgi and Grímur chop Hrappur up a bit and he congratulates them for it, no small wonder if you remember just how many men Hrappur's stood against before and beaten single-handedly. And then they kill some more men but decide to let the rest live, because vikings have no sense of self-preservation and this isn't even a joke.



Part 9.