Kormáks saga, part 4.

16 a.

Bersi: "Ólafur, can I foster one of your kids?"

Ólafur Peacock: "Sure thing old friend! Here you go!"

Bersi has gained a Halldór. Oh btw that pretty Steinvör is now his girlfriend and his wife Þórdís does not like this one bit. She doesn't like the fostering idea either.

There's a þing coming along and Bersi is letting people stay at his house on their way to the þing place. Except then he begins to sing ominous songs about wanting to kill people and speaks a lot with Halldór about how Vali, his wife's brother, has his cattle on their lands. Which Þórdís has actually allowed but you know how these sagas work.

Kormáks saga, part 3.

11.

Kormákur: "BAAAW UNCLE STEINAR. I was supposed to win that fight but Skeggi's sword was totally no good so I lost. Sword's fault not mine. Anyway I'm leaving the land and it'll be the biggest flounce-out you ever seen, here take the fine moneys to Bersi."

Steinar: "And you can't take it yourself because...?"

Kormákur's arm gets infected because he doesn't take care of it.

Bersi: "I could heal that for you."

Kormákur: "NEVERRRR U ARE MY ENEMY FOREBAR"

Dalla: "SHUT UP let me have a look at it."

Kormákur: "Yes mom."

Kormákur: "AND YOU CAN HAVE YOUR CRAP SWORD BACK IT WAS CRAP"

Kormákur: *throws sword at Skeggi's feet*

Skeggi: "Dude it was your own fa-"

Kormákur: "LA LA LA DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M LISTENING"

Kormáks saga, part 2.

5a

There's a Þórveig who knows magic and she has two sons, Oddur and Guðmundur who are noisy. Steingerður's dad's like boys plz chop a Kormákur. Oddur's like YEAH SURE THANG.

Steingerður's dad and Narfi put a sword and a scythe on both sides of the door. When Kormákur comes in the scythe falls and takes a chunk out of the sword's blade.

Kormákur: "The weapon that mows in the meadow
It met with the gay painted buckler la lalalalalalaaaa~"

(That's taken word by word from the English translation, I swear I'm not making this up.)

Kormáks saga, part 1.

1

There's a guy called Kormákur but he's not actually the hero of this story. He's Haraldur Fairhair's friend and so is his son Ögmundur.

Ögmundur beats up an Ásmundur and then goes and marries a Helga who Ásmundur's had his eyes on before.

Ásmundur: "Oh no you did not. Duel it is."

Ögmundur: *chop*

Ögmundur: "Hope you didn't need those legs."

Egils saga finished, now what?

I've now gone through both of the sagas that were previously requested, Egils saga and Grettis saga. If you have a personal favourite don't hesitate to leave me a note. :)

Meanwhile I'll just go and write another short-ish saga called Kormáks saga, which is considered one of the oldest sagas by the date it was written down. By this I mean that although Kormáks saga happens during the time of Haraldur Dramaqueenie Prettyhair it was written down earlier than f.ex. Egill's saga.

Without further ado - let's go!

Egils saga, part 19. FINAL PART.

86

Þorsteinn: "Well then let's go get the sheep back."

Íri: "Hey lil mama lemme whisper in yo ear there's a group of men waiting to ambush you."

Þorsteinn: "SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT ÖLVALDUR WANTS ME TO POP BY HIS HOME. CHANGE OF PLANS MEN, WE TAKE A LONGER ROUTE HOME."

Steinar: "Fuck."

Egils saga, part 18.

81

There's an Einar who fanboys Egill and wants to hear about his adventures. Egill likes this Einar.

Hákon doesn't like this Einar and won't hear his poetry, but then Einar makes an emo song about going away because IT'S ALL HÁKON'S FAULT and Hákon finally agrees to listen to his poem. He actually loves it so much that he gives Einar an amazing shield to thank him.

Einar goes to visit Egill but he's not home. Einar waits for him for three days and then finally leaves, leaving the awesomecakes shield for him as a gift.

Egill: "He only gave it to me because he wants me to make a poem out of the shield that little fucker, get me my horse, being given a beautiful gift logically means I'm going after him to kill him."

Others: "Um, think again maybe. Anyway he left a long time ago and you won't catch him."

Egill: "Well FINE."

Egill: *recites poetry about the shield*

Egill: *goes to a wedding*

Shield: *ACCIDENTALLY falls into a tub of whey and gets ruined*

Egils saga, part 17.

76

Álfur: "I just saw thirty men ride into that forest to ambush you. Might be better to not walk right into it."

Egill: "Pish posh it's a road, there's travelers on roads, that's kind of what roads are for."

Egill's men: "Um, see how those footprints are going now, that sure looks like an ambush to us."

Egill: "...on a second thought let me tie a huge rock to my chest."

Ambush happens, but it happens both from behind and above - the attackers begin to throw large stones on Egill and his men. Egill can't be having with his fancy stone plating going unused in battle so he climbs up and chops everyone he sees and then throws more stones onto the ambush at the back.

The attackers try again. Ok but the same defaults are still in place (IOW Egill is present) which means they get the chop as well. Both Úlfurs argl.

Earl Arnviður: "Please have some good explanation to how only five out of thirty men returned."

Egils saga, part 16.

70

Arinbjörn: "This year we could harry the Frisians wot say you."

Egill: "About time we harry the Frisians!"

Arinbjörn + Egill: *harry the Frisians*

Egill: "Ok that was some good harrying. What now?"

Arinbjörn: "I'm going to harass king Eiríkur's sons."

Egill: "You know me so we-"

Arinbjörn: "I MEANT WITHOUT YOU"

Egill: ;^;

Egils saga, part 15.

66

Egill: "So Atli, Berg-Önundur stole that farm from me that you live on, give back plz."

Atli: "WTF dude my home? After you killed my two brothers and all?"

Egill: "Your cattle too. Plz thank."

Atli decides to be totally unreasonable so they agree to settle the matter in court.

Atli: "Here is the evidence and the witnesses and -"

Egill: "You know what, all that evidence-schemidence etc. how about we just fight it out instead of having a fair trial."

Atli: "This is no doubt a wonderful idea, let's."

Egill: *bites Atli in the throat*

Atli: "Argl."

Egils saga, part 14.

63

Arinbjörn's nephew Þorsteinn goes to claim an inheritance of his.

Egill: "That reminds me, I have a farm that king Eiríkur and Berg-Önundur stole from me..."

King Aðalsteinn: "...bad idea Egill, baaaaaaad. How about you work for me instead and -"

Egill: "Sry can't hear you over the sound of me going to get that farm back. But hey when I come back I might agree to work for you maybe."

Egils saga, part 13.

59

Þórður Egill's cousin invites him over to a party.

Skalla-Grímur: "Egill can you give me some silver."

Egill: "Dude you have two chests full of money, why do you need mine?"

Skalla-Grímur: "I have plans."

Then while Egill is at the party Skalla-Grímur goes and hides his silver somewhere. Btw it's never been found so if you want to become rich come on over and find Skalla-Grímur's silver treasure!

Then he comes home and dies at the table. The house people are all ty berry much in the morning when they find him and realize that the rigor mortis is already so well set in that they can't get the corpse away from the table, and eventually Egill makes a hole in the wall so they can get him out.

Saga says Skalla-Grímur was buried with no special treasure, just some horses and smithery. Well, one could say he did the treasure burying so they didn't have to bother.

Egils saga, part 12.

56a

Egill: "Bad news is that Þórólfur's dead. Er... uhh... um... me, I could now... um... protect you and..."

Egill: "...?"

Ásgerður: "Yeaaaaah lemme think about it for a year or two."

Arinbjörn: "What's with the gloomy face?"

Egill: *composes complicated Old Norse poetry about some fancy lady who's treating him badly although he's a nice guy*

Arinbjörn: "Oh Ásgerður, Egill wants to marry you."

Ásgerður: "Hm, I don't know..."

Arinbjörn: "It's settled then! The wedding's ASAP."

Egils saga, part 11.

50

Aðalsteinn is the king of England. Those of you that have watched History Channel's Vikings know him by his English name Athelstan. Btw Norse people of the age of Athelstan/Aðalsteinn knew damn well where Britain was, that tv-series will seriously give me the plague and other harms by everything that's historically incorrect in it.

Anyway this Aðalsteinn is now the king of England. The Irish and the Scots don't like this.

Aðalsteinn: "I seriously need an army ASAP. Hay anyone anywhere of any nation or ethnicity who wants to be paid well come get chopped by my enemies pls."

Þórólfur: "Sounds good!"

Egill: "Too right!"

Egils saga, part 10.

46

Þórólfur and Egill go about the coast killing, burning and stealing stuff a lot. One time Egill and his men go missing. This is because:

Egill: "Oh hay there's a totally empty house over there! Let's loot it!"

This part goes well but the next one doesn't - the owner returns and he has lots of friends with him. Everyone in Egill's team is taken a prisoner. Egill in particular is tied up well and tight and then to a post as well.

Ok, he's just lifted the whole post off the floor and now Egill's is munching through the ropes around his wrists and NOW HE'S FREE, EGILL ADVANCES AND NOW HIS MEN ARE FREE AS WELL AND -

(Apologies, ice hockey overload.)

Egill & friends find a random Dane under the floor. He turns out to know all sorts of useful stuff such as where to get out, where the treasure is and where the house owner keeps their stock of weapons. Egill shows he has his priorities straight and instead of treasure he steals a barrel of mead.

Egill: "Oh hay we totally forgot to taunt the house owner. Let's do it!"

Others: "Yeah right no bad idea we're off to the ship now."

Egill: "Oh hay everyone in the house, I have just set it on fire and none of you can get out lol."

Then he watches people roast for a while, carries on back to the ship and there finds out that the mead casket is actually full of silver and not alcohol. We don't know how he feels about this.

Egils saga, part 9.

41

Meanwhile that Brynjólfur dies. He was the dad of that Björn who kidnapped that Þóra.

Þórólfur goes to see him, drops off Ásgerður and then goes to king Eiríkur.

Þórólfur: "Oh my dad loved the axe, told me to tell you thank you for it and he sent you this ship here. This is all true and not a clever lie that shows just how diplomatic I can be when I know I'm otherwise risking the bad temper of a king."

Þórólfur: "And hello friend Þórir I am here. This brat's my little brother, can you put him up somewhere plz. He's a bit helpless without me, see."

Egill: "I'm, like, right here."

Arinbjörn: "Hay I'm Þórir's son. You should be friends with me."

Egils saga, part 8.

36

Björn and Þórólfur are sailing about Norway and going to east to ransack people's homes so all is as should be. OK ONE PROBLEM: Þórir (brother of kidnapped Þóra) is the foster father of Haraldur Hairy's favourite son Eiríkur Bloodaxe. Eiríkur sees Þórólfur's ship and begins to fancy it immediately.

Björn: "Er... Þórólfur... that's Haraldur's son right there and knowing his genes it might be a good idea to just give that ship to him."

Þórólfur: "This would be a good plan."

Eiríkur vows to become eternal friend of Þórólfur's. Well. Well well well. Anyway they go meet his dad Haraldur, who's rather testy at Þórólfur because OMG THOSE SONS OF KVELD-ÚLFUR NEVER RESPECT ME I HAVE DONE THEM NOTHING BUT GOOD THINGS AND THEY'RE UNREASONABLE OMG. Then Eiríkur Bloodaxe is like DAAAA-AAA-AAAD COME OOOONNNN HE'S NOT EVEN HIS SON BUT HIS GRANDSON and Haraldur's like ok, but I don't evereverever want to see this Þórólfur again and btw son ILU but you're an idiot.

Egils saga, part 7.

31

Skalla-Grímur and Bera pop out a lot of babies but they all die. Then they get one that doesn't die and that one's called Þórólfur, just like his brother. This may be ominous.

Anyway Þórólfur turns out to be a real pretty boy just like Þórólfur. There's two daughters Sæunn and Þórunn too.

Then they get another son but this one's ugly. His name's Egill. Yes it's chapter 31 and finally the hero of the saga has been born.

Anyway this Egill is the size of a seven year old at age three.

Egill: "Dad I want to go to Yngvar's party!"

Skalla-Grímur: "You get into fights when you're sober, no way you're gonna go somewhere where people are drinking."

So Egill steals a horse, goes to the party and composes complicated Old Norse poetry like, you know, any three year old Icelandic child tends to do.

Egils saga, part 6.

26

A Guttormur dies. He's the foster father of Haraldur Dramaking so naturally Haraldur wants to be nice. He orders Hallvarður and Sigtryggur to go get Guttormur's sons and bring them to serve him.

(The daughters can just stay where they are.)

Egils saga, part 5.

21

Haraldur: "Yeah Sigtryggur and Hallvarður, that Þórólfur sure robbed you two dry that one time didn't he."

Sigtryggur + Hallvarður: "We want to go chop Þórólfur because he looted our home."

Haraldur: "As if you could do shit fuk. You might sail north but you'll come back sailing AND rowing ha ha."